A Level Playing Field

I think it’s time to see how high man can really jump; or if a human being can physically break 9 seconds in the 100 meters. I would love to know if the 3:20 mile would actually make a man’s heart stop working like all the “experts” said would happen to the first man to break 4:00. (I’m fairly confident it worked out ok for that Roger Bannister guy. . .) Even that crazy redneck family in the backwoods of nowhere would slip off the couch to adjust the bunny ears if they knew that every conceivable athletic record was about to be shattered by today’s best athletes.

How would this happen, you say? By the governing bodies of sport stepping up to the plate to stop the butt injecting, pill swallowing, blood transfusing, clear and cream rubbing suckers that are ruining fair competition, that’s how. Let’s pick a date. My son Dallin’s 3 year birthday is fast approaching on August 1, so that’s my pick. On August 1, 2008 all banned substance lists will be abolished and every PED on the market (open or black) is now completely legal. No more wasted money on testing; no more inconvenient raids on athlete’s houses out of season to catch them with their pants down; no more perjury cases. All is fair in athletic competition.

The people with the scrilla -- which happens to be the ones competing -- will always stay a few steps ahead of the ones doing the testing. What’s the point!? Marion Jones and Barry Bonds never tested positive for anything other than snaggle teeth and arrogance respectively, but who’s going to bet their monthly salary, let alone their lunch money, that this duo wasn’t taking? I’m an avid American cyclist, yet I don’t know that I can look anyone in the eye and say that Lance and Floyd (tangent . . . who on earth names their kid Floyd anyway . . . can a baby actually look like a Floyd coming out of the womb?) never juiced up in some fashion to win a combined 8 Tour de France titles.

I would venture to say that a large majority of professional athletes have a, “I will do anything to win” attitude. You will not stop the cheating by drug testing and suspensions. As Mr. Conte from BALCO alluded to a few years back, there will always be another chemist brewing up some magic, undetectable substance that will give athletes the edge they are looking for.

The only way to truly level the playing field is to open the flood gates to new world records. Bring em on! Can you say entertaining television? Who wouldn’t want to see some freak of nature with blueberries in his pants line up to run the 200 meters faster than a motorcycle? Count me in. Have them sign a waiver admitting their stupidity for risking their life for money and glory, and let the games begin! Make sure their families have good life insurance and IRAs maturing and let’s call up Guinness to make it official.

I think it’s time to give the public what they deserve, a level playing field.