A bunch of mid-20's guys living through younger, more talented athletes, but who still aren't afraid to indiscriminately pick them apart. There...We said it.
That's right. They had some qualifying matches over the weekend in DC, and I missed it. US qualifying is taking place, and they'll play against other international teams in Australia for the bragging rights of the unemployed.
Qualifications? You bet there are some. Players must:
Be male or female and at least 16 years of age at the time of the tournament
Have been homeless at some point after the previous year's World Cup OR
Make their main living income as a streetpaper vendor OR
Be asylum seekers (who have neither positive asylum status nor working permit)
I was musing to a friend the other day that whenever one of my teams isn't playing well, I usually yell out something like "Man...they're playing like a bunch of bums!" Now, I guess someone could take offense to that remark...
One final note to this hastily composed entry: Not that I lack confidence in any of our fellow countrymen, or national pride, but I got money on the Brazilians.
Ivan Maisel, a senior writer at ESPN.com and College Football nut, has been compiling a "Faces of the Program" wrap-up, identifying who he feels is the 'face' of college football programs around the nation:
I understand that's it's been tradition for a while now, but why would they re-sign Notre Dame games? Is it because their ratings went through the roof because everyone enjoys watching ND lose so much?
I think it’s time to see how high man can really jump; or if a human being can physically break 9 seconds in the 100 meters. I would love to know if the 3:20 mile would actually make a man’s heart stop working like all the “experts” said would happen to the first man to break 4:00. (I’m fairly confident it worked out ok for that Roger Bannister guy. . .) Even that crazy redneck family in the backwoods of nowhere would slip off the couch to adjust the bunny ears if they knew that every conceivable athletic record was about to be shattered by today’s best athletes.
How would this happen, you say? By the governing bodies of sport stepping up to the plate to stop the butt injecting, pill swallowing, blood transfusing, clear and cream rubbing suckers that are ruining fair competition, that’s how. Let’s pick a date. My son Dallin’s 3 year birthday is fast approaching on August 1, so that’s my pick. On August 1, 2008 all banned substance lists will be abolished and every PED on the market (open or black) is now completely legal. No more wasted money on testing; no more inconvenient raids on athlete’s houses out of season to catch them with their pants down; no more perjury cases. All is fair in athletic competition.
The people with the scrilla -- which happens to be the ones competing -- will always stay a few steps ahead of the ones doing the testing. What’s the point!? Marion Jones and Barry Bonds never tested positive for anything other than snaggle teeth and arrogance respectively, but who’s going to bet their monthly salary, let alone their lunch money, that this duo wasn’t taking? I’m an avid American cyclist, yet I don’t know that I can look anyone in the eye and say that Lance and Floyd (tangent . . . who on earth names their kid Floyd anyway . . . can a baby actually look like a Floyd coming out of the womb?) never juiced up in some fashion to win a combined 8 Tour de France titles.
I would venture to say that a large majority of professional athletes have a, “I will do anything to win” attitude. You will not stop the cheating by drug testing and suspensions. As Mr. Conte from BALCO alluded to a few years back, there will always be another chemist brewing up some magic, undetectable substance that will give athletes the edge they are looking for.
The only way to truly level the playing field is to open the flood gates to new world records. Bring em on! Can you say entertaining television? Who wouldn’t want to see some freak of nature with blueberries in his pants line up to run the 200 meters faster than a motorcycle? Count me in. Have them sign a waiver admitting their stupidity for risking their life for money and glory, and let the games begin! Make sure their families have good life insurance and IRAs maturing and let’s call up Guinness to make it official.
I think it’s time to give the public what they deserve, a level playing field.
I haven't followed the NBA closely in years. There's something about overpaid, whiny adults that doesn't appeal to me as a spectator. I do acknowledge, however, that this could simply be a personal preference, considering the popularity of unbearable shows like "Grey's Anatomy" and "The Real World" (Granted, I don't know if the perpetually-longing-to-return-to-my-frat-boy-glory-days individuals on "The Real World" get paid, but if it's anything more than -$200, or the highly-inflated currency of a foreign country, it's too much).
This NBA post-season, however, I have been glued to each playoff game.
I attribute this to a few factors. And yes, while one of them is definitely "the elimination of the Spurs," they are just as (if not more) boring to write about as they are to watch. I'd rather talk about Kevin Garnett.
This has nothing to do with me jumping on the Celtics bandwagon once they got good this season. I am still contemplating jumping on, given the age of the team. It has everything to do with having grown up and loved watching KG in all of his raving, ranting glory. I've never seen anyone play sports with his passion, or the barely-bridled enthusiasm that so many of the pros lose as they view playing ball as a chore -- a multi-million dollar chore, mind you -- and not something to be loved. Garnett loves it, and you can sense that watching him play. You can hear it in interviews with him.
Admittedly, it is that same intensity that sometimes scares me a bit. It almost reminds me of that one spelling bee girl from about ten years ago, who would talk to herself during the competition like she was possessed. Anyone remember her? ...Bueller?
KG's intensity is almost like that. Minus the social awkwardness and overall dysfunctionality. And eventual ostracization by society and peers. Man, that was a really poor analogy. Apologies to the Big Ticket on that one. But seriously. Have you seen him do stuff like this?
Whatever. My point: I love to watch this guy. Especially when he makes big plays--
--Yes, the big plays that are inevitably followed by his requisite swearing tirades. I know I haven't renewed my lip-reading certification (come on, if they have a Beer Judge Certification Program, this is not outside the realm of possibility), but I would liken watching him swear to the urge that non-Spurs fans get to knee Bruce Bowen in the crotch -- it's not so much the frequency that surprises you, but the intensity with which it happens. You ever wonder why KG, often the biggest superstar on the floor, is never mic'ed up during the games? It's because the NBA would automatically be banned from the networks and relegated to HBO and Showtime.
My only concern is what will happen to KG if the Celtics do win the Finals. He may explode. Or it may be like an Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark-type thing. I dunno.
